A-B-C All About Me

My daughter was assigned to write a list of adjectives that describe her. She had to come up with an adjective that starts with every letter of the alphabet (twenty-six adjectives in all). The only exception was that for the letter X, she could use it as the second letter in the adjective if she wanted to. Of course, as with many of her homework assignments, my daughter came home and went straight to my pig’s pen to ask for his assistance. “Percival,” she said, “You are so smart and creative and enthusiastic. Wouldn’t you find it totally awesome to write a list of adjectives that describe you?” She explained it to him and my pig went hog wild about the idea. “You’ve already given me three!” Then, as she was leaving the pig pen, my daughter said “Oh, but you have to come up with your own list – you cannot use the three I used, they were just guidelines.” My pig sighed loudly but agreed and set about his task. Below is the list he settled upon. He is assuming that there will be some dissent about this list. Who would disagree with this list, you ask? My money is on the folks from the Horse Farm up by Ham Camp. Those horses just make me so mad because they are always trying to knock him down. But he gets up again — they’re never gonna keep him down.

Ahem.

Here’s Percival’s list.

I, Percival J. Porkenfuss, Supreme Baconator of the Holy Hogtied Church of Swineytology, and, of course, your favorite pig, being of sound mind and body, do hereby present a list of twenty-six adjectives that describe me and my bad self, proving once again that I am someone that everyone should want to know. Please let me know what you think of my list!

A	Angelic	N	Nontoxic
B	Brand-new-pre-shrunk-Hummer-hating	O	Old fashioned
C	Carbon-based	P	Photogenic
D	Devilish	Q	Quantifiable
E	Environmentally friendly	R	Rotund
F	Flatulent	S	Speculative
G	Grubby	T	Tattooed
H	Humongous	U	Underwhelmed
I	Insightful	V	Visible
J	Jocular	W	Wrinkled
K	Kissable	X	Xanthochroid
L	Ludic	Y	Young at heart
M	Malodorous	Z	Zealous

A Paragraph from The Baconomogon

This is a paragraph that was written in parallel to my daughter’s homework assignment in which she had to use five spelling/vocabulary words in a paragraph.  She asked if my pig would participate in the assignment as well and, as usual, he complied, though this really should have been made into more than one paragraph.

Since my pig, Percival, is the Supreme Baconator of the Holy Hogtied Church of Swineytology, there was a large amount of publicity when he announced that the next book of The Baconomogon was translated to English from the original pig Latin.  At first the press conference focused on the translation effort that was involved in bringing the book, officially called “Pig-meant” but dubbed “Canadian Bacon” by the media because the book was found in a cave that had inexplicably gone unnoticed right in the middle of St. Johns, Newfoundland, into modern English.   But then, as Percival got into the more advanced teachings that were found in the book, a hush came over the members of the press and the faithful who had gathered to hear and learn.  “And so it shall be,” he read, “that all the faithful shall bear the studded mark of The Hog, bearing it proudly, for unto us the mark has been given.”  At this, a woman with many tattoos, earrings and nose rings came out on stage.  Percival walked slowly to the center of the stage and removed the hood from his head.  “And so it shall be,” he said as the woman advancedon his position on the stage.  She leapt into action, causing my pig to let out a loud, piercing squeal that echoed through the quiet, cloudless night.  But then it was over, just as suddenly as it had begun and Percival turned to show the audience the piercing that had been done to the back of his neck.  “The mark of The Hog!” he proclaimed as the crowd cheered.  The piercing contained such featuresas the ruby-studded shape of a brand new pre-shrunk Hummer alongside the form of a giant ear of corn made out of golden studs.  As the throngs of people came forward in procession to receive The Mark for themselves, Percival uttered The Blessing of The Mark as it was translated in the newest book of the Baconomogon:  “Go forth,” he read, “and bear it well!”  But my daughter freaked out and shouted about how creepy body piercings anywhere but on the ear were… and that’s when the real fun began.

A Persuasive Request

Note: This entry was written due to an assignment my daughter had in which she had to write a persuasive essay or letter to convince her parents to allow her to go to a slumber party.  She was struggling to come up with the words at first.  Coincidentally, Percival just happened to be writing a similarly-themed letter at the same time and he just happened to be delivering it on the same day that my daughter’s assignment was due. Wow.